This blog has moved...

Please visit Diary of a Recovering Codependent

So, how's that working for you?

When you're in the rooms of recovery, any kind of recovery, they have a ton of sayings, they call tools, to help you stay on or get back on track. This is one of my favorites! Yes, yes, I do ask myself this question, although it certainly is more fun when I get to ask someone else.  Okay, maybe "fun" isn't the word I should use but I must admit, I have had fun with it. You know, recovery doesn't have to be hard, somber, ridgid...it can be quite fun, especially when you have others in your circle. It's not something you do alone, though unfortuantely, some people do.

My best friend, we'll call her Lucy, is a flaming codependent. I can call her that because you know the old saying, "takes one to know one". She and I have had many conversations over the years that have ended up with me asking her this question. I can't help but laugh at the number of times I've asked her in the midst of her tyraid, "So, how's that working for you?". Sometimes, I get an earful about how it's not and sometimes I get socked. 

When I or someone else asks me this question, it's usually a hint that I'm not minding my own business or I'm trying to controll something that I have no business trying to control. It's a gentle reminder that I do not have to try and fix everything or please everyone. It's a phrase that brings me back to thinking about my own sanity and well being and what I need to do to maintain it. It helps me to uncover the fears that are causing me to "be all up in someone else's business" and focus on working through those fears.

Try it sometime. When you are all stressed out about someone or something and find yourself on a rant, stop for just a brief moment and ask yourself, "So, how's that working for you?", then answer honestly. Dig deep and don't be afraid!

Webster's Definition

Webster's Dictionary defines codependency as "a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly: dependence on the needs of or control by another."

Well that stings. Seeing the words "Psychological condition" just makes my skin crawl. Who likes hearing they have a psychological condition? It would take way too much time and energy to research and understand this concept and I am just not up to that much work. The reality is, I already know I am codependent and yes, it is a sickness that is, at times, out of control. I really don't need to dig any deeper.

The Answer

Someone recently asked me how I deal with my "qualifier" drinking now. When we met, he wasn't drinking and was actively participating in his recovery. He has now been drinking for 9 months and it is not up to me to get him to stop.

The simplest answer I have for this question is, I live. I go about my day and do what I have to do, to enjoy my life. I watch my granddaughter several days a week and I am running my own Virtual Assistant business, which by the way is really starting to take off. My focus is on loving my family and growing my business. That is where my energy is spent. I get out and do things I want to do with friends and family and do not sit at home because he wants me to or doesn't want to go with me.

It Frickin Hurts!

It's funny, when I was doing the unhealthy things and the codependent behaviors I so often did, I was comfortable with the pain and disappointment. It's what I grew up with, it's what I knew. It was expected and understood to some extent. Does that make sense?

Today, I had to do what was right and healthy for me and the pain of that frickin hurts! My world is crumbling around me and I feel like I'm falling off the edge. I made a stand and life is now ugly and hopeless...for the moment. The choices I made today seem to come easier but the pain of the consequences is almost unbearable. My head is spinning. My eyes are burning. My stomach is knotted. My heart hurts. I am sad beyond sad, but I know it was right.

I know I am not in control and there is nothing I can do but keep living my life. I have to pick up my granddaughter in the morning. She needs her grandma to be in the here and now with her. She needs me to play and love on her. She needs me to let her know life is beautiful and plant seeds of goodness and hope in her little soul. I have to work with a client tomorrow. I need to be positive and helpful. I need to get my stuff together if I want to grow my business and be successful, even if at this minute, I feel like a complete and utter failure at life. I never imagined at 46 I would be so hopeless once again.

I never thought I'd be here again but here I am. Sucks to be me right now. Pity party for the moment but tomorrow is a new day and life goes on. I have no other choice than to be part of it.

It is a challenge...

Staying on my side of the street is not always easy, however, I did it this past week. Someone very near and dear to me fell off the wagon this past week and my heart is truly sad. I have actually had four loved ones fall off within the past three weeks. Needless to say, it has been very sad and stressful.

It is really hard to prepare yourself for a fall (relapse). I tend to keep very hopeful and positive that it won't happen, knowing in reality, that it could and may. I must say, I am proud of myself. I did not question, try to reason, scold, try to understand, enable, etc. All those ugly things I, as a codependent, have done in the past.

Sometimes I feel like I stand alone...

...but I must remember that I am beautiful in my own way.

Just as many other codependent people, I often feel that I do not have any value or worth. I feel like I take a backseat to others in my life and the things that are happening in their lives are certainly more important than anything happening in mine. My problems or struggles are not significant and I do not want to burden anyone else with them because they have their own issues. My successes are not exceptional enough to celebrate with anyone because I need to celebrate their successes, to ensure they are happy. My feelings, regardless of what they are, are not important. I need to make sure everyone else in my circle is happy and their lives are enjoyable or at least as easy as I can make them.